some old blog.

hope is just bloody obese

2006-09-20T19:26:00.000+08:00

gp comprehension exercise. i failed. hahaha.
i think kang made quite a bit of sense today during analysis. pity i cant recollect what she said.

hello highfliers,
(pls dont attempt) this week's gq presentation qn:
The dreaded ChronicUpsidedownSmile epidemic is back. Discuss why in no more than 5 words, not counting the words to help you begin.
Dying from obesity is hope's persistent worry.

all the best for promos! (:

it's all i can do.

2006-09-17T15:38:00.000+08:00

i love you.
the three hardest words to say in the English Language.
when done properly, side effects include: a seeming absence of your stomach, silence, perhaps tears, and an overwhelming joy.
i dont play with these words.
if you weren't such a mystery, i'd want you to know.
i dont know you yet.
it was interesting how i'd just smile to myself each time i found one more strange thing about you. let me forget that.

friend:
i try to be there for you, to give you what you ask for. but i wont give you what u last asked for.
i'm not going to give up on you.
if you dont want to top the sch again, ok.
you dont like the sch pillars, no problem.
but if you let the actions of a few people influence how you make others out to be,
i cant stand aside.
please cherish us, and treasure the time you have in school.
i know prayers are cheaper la, but if you wanna invest 5cents for a few laughs and a lot of love,
i'm just a call away.
bi sheng, yup?

you told me to make a decision. so i wouldn't get mislead.
and i finally did.
it's been long since i last felt so lost. but i know i've got to step away. (:
alan pls help me rmbr this. ((: plspls. i'll buy you that coffee bean drink.

PROMOS, pls come look for me LATER. i need to PASS you something.

rain sparkles when you're happy.

2006-08-31T15:26:00.000+08:00

been long since i last cycled in the rain
and today, it just felt so different
talk about the literal and figurative aspects of a good downpour
happy holidays.

more than words

2006-08-28T19:01:00.000+08:00

was reading through a (brain damn heavy) friend's blog, and came across this.
"the words are merely the vehicle that carries the ideas."
look at that. it looks so.. plain.
but look closer.
the words. are merely. the vehicle.
like ya, just Vectors of The Idea. and the idea is what its all about.
(ok at this point i know you think i'm just concocting up the usual nonsense i always do, but just shut up and read.)
so anyway, all along we've been trying to think up of bombastic words to replace what has earlier been deemed to be 'noob' by lit teachers.
such as 'good' 'bad' 'happy' sad'..
and we've been phrasing our thoughts in the most retarded manner.
ie remember how 'Her skirt flowed in the breeze' got mangled into "Her voluminuous culottes billowed in the frosty gale"? like wth that poor person standing in the middle of a windstorm, little wonder why her skirt didn't blow up like a parachute and shuttle her off to lalaland.
and look at my archives. i'm just, staring in stupefied awe at how so many scientific terms were used in the construction of something that carried a message so simple. like "bio practical made no sense." or "cambridge examiners, i kowtow to you."
and a feeling of this-is-so-jag-in-the-face washes over me when it finally dawns on me that this, the sputtering of words that carry stupidly shallow ideas, is what defines an unpolished rant. it sometimes comes in the form of a complaint, or an emo "i wish i wasn't born" thing. or whatever la, you know what i'm driving at.
and while posts that sound bombastic are entertaining (to a very microscopic minority of the human population) i somehow think that it's important, once in a while, to put the more subtle lit skills into practice and write things that are not superficial.
things that people cant just swallow at face value.
ideas people have to know you to understand, thoughts that people have to be in a certain unique position to decipher.
...HAHAHA!
sorrysorry. you know how it is sometimes, things get so serious that you cant help laughing.
reminds me of that horrible chinese lesson, i seriously needed to go to toilet but tt monkenehneh laoshi dont let me go. and i was seriouslyseriously dying. but cos it was so serious, i couldn't stop laughing.
so she kept me back for 9034sadweiu%&$#98324 lightyears.
crazy woman.
-
and here i've been, searching all over for lyrics/quotes/poems for ways to put my thoughts into words, when i dont even have to.
because there's no need to.
because its something i have to make myself forget.
and by having hope and losing it again and again
i'll only feel more and more like an idiot.
so yup, that's it. (:

heck

2006-08-20T15:54:00.000+08:00

i had a good day.
yup, AN UNBELIEVABLY AMAZING %$#&# DAY.

oky, juz gv3 m3 a m0m3n+ +o f!x my k3yb0rd..

there you go, good as new.

kill the world, make it a fatter place

2006-08-08T20:56:00.000+08:00

i bet our echoes are still resounding in esplanade concert hall
HAHAHAHA so bhb. sorry la.
i'm really going to miss.. quite a few things. such as
our first combined rehearsal on copa with mr lightning. "jag man. jag in the FACE." (jon choo 2006)
woodwind combined outside the sc. sounded very good. "i was chionging to the toilet and while running past you all i was like, shiokk ahh damn nice." (colin lee 2006) a/n: thank goodness he didn't pee on the spot or anything.
all our super productive sectionals under nicholas.. "you guys give me a reason not to give up" (big nicholas 2006) a/n: shucks that was sweet.
the sec4s staying back till after 9pm one day to help us number all our scores. voluntarily.
sectionals with the sec4s. "boss, fierce sia. better pay attention or else boss cut our pay k. economic crisis already." (jon choo 2006)
making fun of dorcas. "dorcas dorcas where are you? i'm looking HIGH and- oh hi dorcas." (pam 2006, with infinite remorse.)
jonathan choo this super nice guy who gave me a size 4 Eb reed when mine died on stage, then sucked and seasoned it backstage until it became damn nice to play, then later passed ms ho a size 3.5 reed to give me cos he was worried that i wouldn't have enough air for a 4. in the end i used the 4 cos it sounded really really nice.
then on stage he kept doing the retarded side-glance-and-stare-hard-for-damn-long thing during pieces, and after that i was so amused that the whole stage fright thing slipped away and my screechy notes didn't screech so much. then in the corridors he tried to act angry after getting insulted and stomped away, out of sight. a few seconds later he rounded the corner again, grinning like a retard cos he couldn't act angry properly. i love this boy. he's so bloody cute. i think he'll be quite upset if he hears i said he was cute. according to him, he's "suave, right?" not really.
you know he was crying in the middle of the morning because he missed rachel and me? and take a moment to picture a dao faced half the time buay song ahbeng saying "seriously i cant bear to leave you all.. i'm crying la haiz. tkc k." this little boy is damn adorable.
weicheah rocked too. he's probably the most dedicated/responsible/loyal/self sacrificing/mature sas boy i've come across so far. and he's bloody patient. he sat beside mr peh for almost half an hour (with a sian face, no doubt) listening to random, i dont know, econs concepts? cos we were celebrating john's bday and he felt 'not old enough' to join us. sas has the senior junior gap thing la.
and caspar was a riot. you should have seen how he hugged jon and 'cried' uncontrollably backstage when the sec4s were talking about stepping down. his stupid constipated face. rachel and i laughed so hard, i thought my jaw was going to get stuck.
and i'll miss the halted emo farewell, despite how halted/emo it was. "...yeah, thank you seniors." (silence) "okay so now lets have a hugging session"
yah then only everyone started crying.
i miss the j2s already. but i haven't started to feel lost without them. i feel it coming, though. the emptiness, the confusion. after band dinner, we're just gonna be so screwed la.
but i guess it's a phase of sajc band life that all of us inevitably has to go through. and i'm sure, just like all our ancestors (dont look at me, ms ho uses 'predecessors'), we'll unscrew this and get through it very much alive.
heal the world's suddenly picking up. but attendance is irritating, and so are the acoustics of the stupid budget cultural centre.
emcee script. erm, keep our hopes alive. haha.
honestly i think it's going quite okay. events also quite okay, although slightly merciless.
i love my section for their super willingness to contribute to this cause.
the sajc band spirit. ((:
what else to say ah?
happy national day!

tomorrow

2006-08-05T23:26:00.000+08:00

tomorrow's the day
my seniors will be leaving their legacy.
it's also the day
our story begins.
hahaha so drama.
okay forget exhaustion cos it's a retarded excuse.
some random quotes from the 9 hour band prac today.
(got bored with sacred suite and started playing notes that weren't in my part.)
me to rachel: haha. i can harmonize with my own part eh. pro not pro not.
jon to rachel: hmm? what she say?
rachel: she's retarded.
-
(deborah was writing notes to becky at dinner through her phone's msg editor)
me: wah why so secretive.
deb: talking about you. i read out to you la. "walao eh that pam, she's so freaking fat. and she thinks her legs look like flamingo legs. look at her cheeks, just like her brother's. so big like goldfish like that. and see how much she ate for dinner, yet she doesn't grow at all. i feel like being racist, but aiya don't know to which race."
-
john(during debrief): i cant believe that tomorrow 1750 people will be sitting in the hall to watch me perform. 1750 eh! for me! are you excited? i'm so excited.
that was debrief.

bring me a screwdriver

2006-08-04T22:28:00.000+08:00

just a few hours before this instant.
pam found that everything's turning into a state of discombobulation COS she cant multitask to save her bloody life. so she made the first logical decision in her life, and resolved to apply the one of the things she learnt during ME today. frm the imME teacher.
HAHA. anyway.
she wrote everything down on a piece of paper and shredded it. and quite dimwittedly cut herself in the process.
nvm, small cut only. the most screw up fantasy's bloody flying notes only. then concert reed also so little damage, nobody will notice the change in tone.
mouth cut like shit, but it's just two wounds only.
no problem, nothing too difficult for me to handle. the most screw up the only Eb part in the family of sav bands right. make a damn fool of myself in the esplanade. sound so flat that i can practically harmonize with the tubas.
our batch's taking over, and half the band has lost the initiative/drive we found in perth. the consideration, the everybody looking out for each other thing.
pay more than 1000 bucks, go all the way there only to forget everything we've learnt in one month.
and you.
no big deal man. nothing worth thinking about. know what i'm sayin'?

i'm brave?
HAHAHAHHA brave my bloody foot.

2006-07-29T21:12:00.000+08:00

victor vs victory of the people.
the Lord is our salvation vs an obedient ewe.
yellow vs honey.

there may be reasonings behind some strange occurences after all.
hah.. i wish.

gp's making me quite sad. not so much because i have to finish the entire essay/speech part of the presentation and i'm too stupid to ask them to do part of it.
but because everyone's too busy to step up.
not that life's any easier on me.
actually i don't see what's there to be upset about. so okay, not sad anymore.

i got the speech day thing today. quite a nice trophy, got star somemore.
XINYI:
how could you. haha.
1. i love digestive biscuits, but everytime i open the box my dad will start talking about how heaty it is and how many pimples will come out and how my itchy fingers wont ever leave any pimple to fade away itself.. so i just smell the container when i'm hungry.
the box in the living room laohonged already, but still works better than ambi-pur.
2. when i listen to radio stations and some meaningful lyrics come on i start writing out the words on the piece of work i'm doing. now my physics lecture notes practically doubles up as my manuscript book.
3. after band prac most people in my section will usually be going oww damn pain and rubbing their lower lips, but mine doesn't usually hurt till much later. most often it's only the next morning that i find my lower lip cut with a clot. hahahaha. then band prac the next day becomes bloody painful for me while almost everyone else's sores have more or less healed.
4. i hate the school millipedes, but cant bring myself to step on them not because they're disgusting but because i think they look very poor thing when they shrivel up and die.
5. if the next batch consisted of the sas sec4s and us j1s minus one person i'd be the happiest living being in the entire universe.
6. i cant think of anything else. haha. sorry la. okok here last one-
i cant wait to see you at church tomorrow.
quite weird huh? haha.
cannot tag back.. but nv say cannot tag yourself right.
so i'll do all of you a favour.
1. me 2. me 3. me again. 4. me for the last time and 5. "you."
fyi"you"refers to my good friend (insert you's name here) who for his or her entire life has been aspiring and clinging on to the hope that one day he or she would be tagged to do one of the many of these retarded things. for what purpose? i have no idea either. so if "you" isn't you, don't worry about it. "you" doesn't always have to mean what you means, you know what i mean?
but this is not meant to contradict the dictionary's definition of "you". because "you" has just been redefined by me a few seconds ago. not that if you're a "you" you're any more refined than a normal you. yup, for personal refinement, try the oil refinery at pulau semakau.
...
TAKE CARE OKAY.
what did you expect me to think?

superficiality doesn't equate to congeniality.

2006-07-18T19:54:00.000+08:00

dorothy smsed me quite late at night two days ago, asking if i was still awake.
and just before that i was thinking about something.. so i got quite scared thinking if my worst nightmares were about to come true.
and what a relief i got at the band table the next morning, when she asked about something that had nothing to do with what i was worrying about.
i'm suddenly finding myself with so many things to be accountable for. and i'm pretty much in awe when i remember that this list of things to do only started piling up a week ago.
but through the many projects that i'm part of, i've started to see how responsibility works. how initiative makes the lives of other people working around us so much easier.
especially the leaders. who have just as much homework to do and as many (if not more) cca hours to fill.
i cant truthfully admit that i don't feel swamped, despite the fact that i take pride in everything under my wings. i used to tell people who asked me how i 'did it' that 'if you want to make a difference, if you love what you do, you wont tire out and end up confused.'
wrong lor. i should have added the words 'so easily' behind. well now i know, and i do pray this revamped line of wisdom (ok, HAHA.) will help me get through what i have to. in the best possible way i can.
when i last tried to reaffirm my purpose in the band, i got stupefied. the question suddenly posed as i was setting up for main band and all i could think was, 'ehh yah.. what was it huh.' and i ended up staring into the section cupboard, numb and dazed. haha. like some real life matrix movie la, frozen in space.
i'm past being part of such a family, or finding what makes sajc band different from all the others. so what?
hmm. suddenly realised that what lilian talked to me about is quite relevant to my concerns.
talk about miracles.
better get down to finishing the things on my list so i face the world with a clearer perspective soon.
God loves me. this i know. (:
i'm not going to do this anymore.

apgp

2006-07-08T16:32:00.000+08:00

i love The Method of Difference.
want to know WHY????? BECAUSE
from a longwinded grandmother story of summation series, you can cancel out everything in between and just equate the series to one simple rule. if only we could cancel out all the numbers in our maths paper on tuesday.
damn cool right. the coolest maths paper you'd ever have sat for.
1. simplify blank and hence evaluate blank.
2. by using partial fractions, find the sum of the series blank.
3. is blank convergent?
4. given that y=blank where x>-blank, show that, provided x=blank, y= blank. using this second form of y(blank), express y as a series of ascending powers of x up to and including the term in x². hence show by putting blank that blank.
5. f(x)=blank. find f inverse(blank). HAHAHA. this one is actually possible.
bloody cool please. blank graphs, blank functions.. to round everything up we should just attempt our scripts with blanko.
o_O*
cracked up now, obviously. will be back in original form after maths on tuesday.
i cant believe it. all the while i thought physics would be responsible for my loss of sanity during exam periods. but NOOO.
maths, you bloody underdog. after all i did for you.
you. ultimate monkeynehneh.

mangled.

2006-07-05T20:42:00.000+08:00

messed up.
dislike depressing posts. but i must train my english.
or else that mother of all anguish gp tutor will continue to deliver me written prosecutions for the serious injustice that i'm paying to her expertise. (footnote: see 'irony')
1. not faithful to the text (not that i'm even married to it)
2. indiscriminate! (unrestrained!) (first you want me to marry it then now you want to issue a restraining order.)
3. capital letters are abused. (hey now that's too much. i've established the difference between a noun and an adjective. see
noun: Let's go to McDonalds'.
adjective: That's such a nicole thing to do.)
4. Summary reveals a tendency to mangle the English Language. (nononONONO WHY DO YOU MAKE ME OUT TO BE SO VIOLENT YOU $#@%&*@!!!$#%!)
5. avoid using abstract nouns too liberally. (4 abstract nouns in a paragraph? lets hear how you paraphrase 'independance' and 'innovation' with less than 3 words spaces.)
mrs kang awards a class with an average a1 for o level english ad average of 53% for the language component. like what %$#@%$#@?!
in the only imaginatively possible case that one day, against all odds, her pen overcomes all her evil forces of restriction and plants a distinction on my paper, i'll probably find myself somewhere looking down on cloud nine and pointing and laughing deliriously at how low it really is. given this premonition, i'd much rather she spare us the shock and concussion and just stick to sprinkling her limited edition love on us with a well earned 25/50.
on to the dp. emonemo time.
my biological clock got mangled sometime last week. or maybe it was the week before last week. i now come home to finish studying what i haven't completed in the morning, then bathe and change out of school uniform, sleep, wake up, have dinner in the middle of the afternoon, wash up, practice, study.. then have breakfast in the wee hours of the morning before sleeping again.
as soon as my head touches the pillow the stupid alarm clock rings and it's time for school.
weird thing is, i haven't realised that i was working like this until yesterday, when some nehneh friend pointed out my eyebags.
well i know that i've gotten eyebags and my eyes look damn tired that's why i'm wearing my mortifying specs to school. but i've never wondered why they (eyebags) suddenly became so hideous. and now, just putting some more thought into this, i'm starting to realise that the extra weight on my face is not due to tiredness or exhaustion, but because i have once again unconsciously allowed myself to be sucked into this whole stupid clockwork of studenthood.
in other words, my eyes have lost their meaning to sparkle. lol. hahaha okay lor. i cant believe i'm talking about this.
but i'm seriously hoping that sometime in the not so distant future, i'll wake up once again to each new day with the assurance that it'll be different from the one before.
that's why la. cant wait for band practices to start again. 3 more days..
...almost....ttthere......
end of emonemo time. start of general progressions.

perth rocks

2006-06-12T17:46:00.000+08:00

i love my section!
i'm really starting to miss stand by me, i like to move it, techno up and on..
and amazing grace. we won't be able to retro drumbeat as much anymore, cos lct will just flip our skins inside out and barbeque us over her chimney if she ever hears of what we did to her school song.
"i fully understand performer's ego, you see i was once a dancer."
let's not go there.
anyway..!
perth rocked. the weather that greeted us was such a contrast to singapore's warm and humid atmosphere. it was like.. air con pumping cool air from miles and miles of green pastures. damn nice la.. but then as night drew near it got colder..
and colder.
and in albany it got freaking cold. as in finger numbing cold, even with my dua-kee gloves.
but huddling together at night during section sleepovers just took all the cold away. haha.
i've gotten to know sides of people i never knew existed.
like nicky's crazy uncle personality that surfaced during the sleepovers.
poon shi's philosophical dad like behaviour towards glosz's son. ("there must be a reason why you want this. nono, you don't just want it because you do. now sit down, think rationally and tell me why you want it..") in the end he just got chased around fremantle's park by a very flustered boy.
oh and i made a new friend! his name is emo nemo. HAHA. him and his ultraman and jackie chan moves. during the trip we functioned together though, in a very comical way.
our first performance was quite a flop, but we learnt from it and got better subsequently. our last performance at the bandstand was nice. there were ducks swimming in front of us when we played animation. astonishing right, i never fanthomed ducks could dance to music.
talk about quack dancers.
anway, my roomies were all quite crazy. rachel, nicole and pam. the siao trio.
i remember how long we took to fall asleep the first night. somebody la, couldn't stop talking...
and how somebody switched the warmer to air con mode halfway through the night. that genius. wink.
and how we all woke up freezing the next morning. lol.
the rest of the nights i died out quite early. early in the morning ya, but still early to most people. eg the crazy sajc band owls. ie almost everyone in band but pamela.
karma's log cabins were really cool. maybe too cool for comfort, but the quaint fireplace.. and the really soft winter beds, and the cooking competition just made up for all that lack of heat.
there was even a jacuzzi that brandon and poonshi got comfortable in (with layers of clothes on.)
hmm. many memorable moments la, this trip. it wouldn't be so special if i listed it all out.
let me just shout out a few words of thanks to some people..
like emmeline! for taking care of me when i fell sick.
and poon shi, for trying to make me take panadol flu tablets to which i refused because my doctor would have just freaked out if i told me about the countless array of medicine i sampled during the trip
and rachel and debra and rebecca for the reflective talks that made me think so much more about the underlying frictions in our band.
and nicole, for being such a caring bus partner and for our singing sessions with mychelle when all else were sleeping.
and rachel and nicole. for being such cool roomies. "honeys i'm home!(:"
and lynette for letting me sleep on her lap on our flight there until her leg cramped up. and for feeding me mentos to keep our ears from popping.
colin for listening to me talk during the first trip to the supermarket.
everybody for being so retarded.
my section for being exceptionally retarded.
and anyone else that have made pam happy in one way or another, you rock.
cant wait till our next reunion. (:
and they ask us why band rocks. lol.

animation medley

2006-04-18T22:29:00.000+08:00

small nicholas just sent me animation medley.
everytime i listen to the castle in the sky part, i can't help but start to get lost in memories of my band life in cgs.
i remember during our graduating concert, mr lee himself conducted laputa. the same mr lee who brought cgssb to her glory within just 3 years of establishment? hmm. i remember everytime we went out after performances, wearing just the band skirt, we were bound to meet people who recognized where we were from. "crescent band? i know your band." and we'd ask "wahh how you know cgssb?" then "long before your time"..begins. strangely enough, i never got tired of listening to how mrs chua's, ms low's and other pioneering batches instilled such awe within the music community back then.
so even though we're not even half as good as we were back then, we werestill very proud of wearing our band uniform. it didn't matter how fat the vest/scottish the skirt/toot the high socks/mismatched the black stockings made us look.
naturally, we all got very attached to our uniforms. my set saw me through 2 syfs and countless performances. my uni was a constant in my band life. it, and my clarinet. F501462, see i still remember your name :D
when i first took over my section, i was strict, torturous, quite scary? so the juniors all ahh why you so strict, band sucks, sl sucks, seniors so evil. tissue frm my first crying for the section was kept in the left vest pocket. then my classmate dropped me an encouraging note. also left vest pocket.
learnt to love my section, and show care and concern beyond just band music matters. somewhere along the way i guess they started to like us/respect us quite a bit. then aiyah girls school, they started writing love letters. haha. all right vest pocket.
the last time i emptied my vest pockets, my uniform looked quite, well, sad.
you know seperation, envision your other half throwing your wedding ring into the sea. that kind of emptiness you'd feel. 'it's over.'
beyond just the literal, you know, pocket emptiness.
so anway, some people saw our band photo on the front page of my sajc band file, and said our uniform was ugly. and i was quite sad, cos that uniform was a part of me.
it might not exactly be beautiful, but it's one of those uniforms that gets you emotionally attached. i think even if i see my uniform 10, 20 years down the road, i'll still want to pick it up and hug it really very tightly. for a very very long time.
haha.
one of my strongest weaknesses now very evidently, is that i get attached to my band life very easily. especially to non living things.
maybe not exactly non living things, since music is alive.
i've gotten emotionally attached to my music, part, section, instruments, file, bandies.. and now our uniform's coming up.
it's a weakness. a huge weakness. but too bad it isn't a evaluated decision.
it's.. an unconditioned reflex.
i left my band file in the band room yesterday.
and today morning, i felt so unfinished. like forgot to bring bag or something.
hmm.
thanks nicky for sending me animation! as declared before, euu rock. (:

i'm different

2006-04-15T20:17:00.000+08:00

haiyo.
within what little time we have together, the more we get involved with little disagreements, the more we resurface the unbridged gap between different intakes, the more we seek to fulfill our self interests and not look towards the entire well being of the band..
the less time we have to enjoy what we came here for in the first place.
our band spirit.
i never dared fanthom that one day i'd be in such close proximity with a closely entwined band of dedicated members, actually knowing people inside the band and feeling my hairs prickle when they played. much less did i dream that one day i'd be part of such a family.
that's why i'm pressuring myself to work harder, to achieve a higher level of excellence. cos i know my time with sajc band obviously won't last forever, and i don't want to look back when we graduate, wishing i had done something more to make the memories more worthwhile.
these past few days during self prac, i just practiced parts that needed attention, then rested the clarinets and started to reflect. but now i realise that all that reflection during self prac was just a waste of precious time.
individuals shouldn't be spent that way. individuals used to be the most painful day back in crescent. and somehow i enjoyed that pain, because the next sectionals/combined practice i'd sound okay and i'd be free enough to look out for and take down notes for the section instead of wasting my time finding my own notes. individuals are supposed to be heeeeong. wanna reflect then wait till go home doing homework that time, put a mirror in front and then reflect all you want right? don't anyhow allocate resources without considering first the opportunity costs.
on the topic of priorities.. i was just thinking
why spend so much time talking about how who doesn't like who, who hangs out with who, whos don't feel welcome around the other whos, who's so very noisy, etc. what good does it do? it evidently doesnt do anything to us intellectually. since we've gotta work together in the end, why cant we just put aside all distractions and work towards something more retroactive?
i know i'm still new in the band, not part of the core and i don't have much right to say so much.
but if you know me, you'll know that i don't intend to sow discord, criticize anybody in particular or act like i'm damn reflective so you guys won't refer to me so much as the crazy little retard.
all i want is to show that i do care, and i want as badly as you do to see this band succeed.
i'm okay, i'm still just as retarded.
i might be wanting to redevelop myself a little, but i won't totally go wacko or schizophrenic.
haha.
melodramatic.
like gonna die anytime like that. ):
stop looking happy. )):
happy easter.
i don't think i'm capable enough to make a difference in your lives.
graduating from cgssb really did do smth to me. ):
it's horrible to just stand around and watch cracks secretly forming in the foundations we've workind so hard to build.
i wish i could tell someone what i see.

it's gonna be okay.

2006-04-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

starting to miss 06s05. quite lag right, this only sank in after one whole month.
i regret not going for all the class outings. today during physics lecture elaine was sitting in front of me, then she suddenly turned around and said "you mummy very failure eh. never participate in all of our excursions". and me being me. "i need to recuperate after giving birth so many times lah! do i look like a guinea pig to you?" and of course she agreed.
so basically. i regret not spending much time with them.
cos what we shared there most definitely won't appear again in 06s04. the keepers of the library.
hmm.
feeling quite numb now. haven't felt this way for quite a long time la.
maybe i shouldn't try so hard to keep up with the class. it should be coming naturally right? given we're all around the same aggregate and everything. given 8 points is just 2 shy of 6. just 10 little marks. just 2 more marks a subject. anyway what used to be my strongest is now weakening my esteem.. chemistry. the tutorials are just flying in, piling up. rejecting so many of my solutions. physics isn't so bad. going almost by clockwork and not by interest though.
i've finally realised that no matter how i like chem, good grades won't just come without a certain iq benchmark. ms ho was right. maybe i just gotta sort out my thoughts and redirect my hidden brilliance.
haha.
it's gonna be okay.

band orientation

2006-04-02T20:41:00.000+08:00

BAND ORIENTATION.
haha. somehow it seemed more like a band outing to sentosa.
we had sectionals on impressions of japan first, then lunch with the usual bandies..
then back for our first orientation activity.. marshmallow stuffing contest?
haha. anyway, stuff lah. after 14 x"i'm a fuzzy bunny, yeahh.", i died.
not literally. surprisingly amk didn't win eh. neither did jj.
yisiong won. with his angmoh accented clearly articulated fuzzy bunnys. that walkover.. spoil market only. haha.
hafiz strangely resembled eminem. a very fierce eminem.
nicole was the longest standing girl. super flexible cheeks. sia la. maybe she uses them to skydive or something.
so after all that we left 5th for sentosa. ran to the mrt.. caught the train just in time.. ran to the shuttle bus service and found we were the last to arrive. oh no. i have to be going soon.
so basically we ran around the entire island and ended up 2nd last.
hmm. then took a few pro photos at the twin towers. and called it another day.
sajc band rocks!
i'll re do this another time. ahhhh byebyeee.
oh. i feel really stupid today. haha. hope colin and nicole stays quiet. (:
till some other time. pam loves you many.

you raise me up

2006-03-27T22:17:00.000+08:00

when i am down or when my soul's so weary
when troubles come and my heart's so burdened
i stay still and wait here in the silence,
until you come and sit a while with me.
and you know, study chemistry with me.

31's march is advancing much too sadistically

2006-03-24T19:46:00.000+08:00

long tones with the band was a first for me, and it was really but no less an inspiration.
because after long tones when i went out to practice la forza, the tuning between octaves were so much better. so yesterday during individuals i did more long tones, then got too dizzy so i started on the high school technical studies book and made good progress.
but today i couldn't abstain from trying out dorothy's sax. amazing grace.. and the 7th night thing. and then i picked up my instrument, which apparently wasn't too happy about being neglected, and discovered that my breath support and tone sounded like fart again.
poor tolerance man. such a let down to cgssb.
so i grudgingly admit that 31st march is starting to look bleak. the probability of my body floating down kallang river is increasing like an exponential graph.
well maybe not. i might pass on earlier. from 2 days ago, yimei wanted to throw me inside. and from yesterday, malcom started sharing the same sentiments.
hmm. i've suddenly got an incentive to practice harder. i must die a good clarinetist!
any day now.
haha.
i'm not suicidal, by the way.
just narcoleptic. from copying over all the notes from past lectures. got barely enough time to do revision at night after band.
but band still rocks.
i'm sounding quite disjointed today right. plucking random thoughts from the otherwise vacuum space.
chemistry research is distracting. but i'm thinking i should stop thinking about that interesting particle of 1,2 dibromoethene soon. must pay equal attention to physics.

i wanna make you see just what i was
show you the loneliness, and what it does
you walked into my life to stop my tears
everyting's easy now i have you here.
if only you could tell.
then again, i wouldn't want you to.
i'm praying you had a good day.

batch outing

2006-03-14T14:45:00.000+08:00

due to the unprecedented tags that have so lovingly been left behind by two of my dearest bandies, i will devote the next few minutes of my life to them and post an update!
batch outing yesterday, had pizza for lunch somewhere around hdb hub. forgive me for not keeping the details of my surroundings in mind. the bandies were too overwhelming.
somewhere during lunch lynette came over and passed me a quarter of her pizza, and kenneth very gallantly said he "wouldn't mind" sharing it. and everyone else was full so i said i was going to cut the pizza "half-half". then as he said "yay, half-half", i discreetly turned away to give out a little amount gaseous product, and the whole table started laughing.
not the table literally, i mean the people at the table. (of course you already knew that, why am i telling you this?)
so anyway, a very perplexed kenneth looked around and inquired, "what's so funny about half-half?" (fresh fit of giggles)
and he turned to mychelle and asked her, "what's half half?" and she said "half half? yi ban yi ban? you mean your mother never taught you that?" leaving him no less enlightened and still the subject of their violent hee-haws.
so i tried to help change the subject. "when you get back home later you can ask your mom what half half is." but then i couldn't help adding, "and if she also explodes in laughter..."
HAHA.
but after that i felt very guilty, cos they ended up laughing at his blooper and not mine.
and God, probably noting that i was being gravely evil to an innocent friend coughcough, delt out a very severe punishment in my honour. weiqin, your favourite part. :D
we left pizza hut with satiated stomachs, and me with a satiated finger that had the atomic remains of tabasco saunce particles, too small for a conventional wet tissue to pick up.
so.. at the bus stop my eye got itchy and i rubbed it, and omg it was hot, and in alarm i swiftly plucked out my contacts and gave it and eye of scrutiny. finding no foreign particles attached to any part of it, i attempted to put it back and omg, hot again.
the recollect recollect, oh no... my finger still has tabasco sauce on it..
talk about flashbacks. i tell you, never in my life has a flashback brought with it so many goosepimples. haha. with qin's comfort, emmie's concern, and shioks' tissue paper and water, i survived the ordeal.
ohh. best part. i soaked the lens in some water in shioks' thermos cap. then emmeline offered the water to john and he unsuspectingly drank from the cup. HAHA! lucky i took out the contacts by then, or else he'll be chewing.. what's that? a slice of natadecoco?...
i love my bandies.
combined was cool. productive. was a good warm up. but not much attention paid to note values..hmm, we'll probably be getting more intricate with the fundamentals in subsequent practices. sectionals. haha. got to work really hard to get to the seniors' volume and tone. must resolve to take my individuals much more seriously.
i miss crescent band.. have been feeling so slack since graduation.
hopefully i'll get re-inspired by their spirit on thursday when i go back again to see those undying, spunky kids.
muahaha. feel so old.
dorothy! so pro right pick up the instrument so quickly! haha. you jiayou ok. maybe one day you'll be like kenny g. :D have a good holiday! pam loves you superlatively!
rmbr kids, the key to effective communication.
never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
tune in to the next episode of Gundam Flower for more flabbergasting trivias!
i better end off soon. or else all your eyebrows will unanimously raise in an unconditioned reflex response to my feebility.
was that even a word?
haha. have a good day!

Ressurection Cantata

2006-03-05T17:24:00.000+08:00

Alpha and Omega, the first and the last
He can see beyond my future, while covering my past
greater than any man that's ever lived before
Jesus, my eternal Lord..
He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords,
deeper than the valley, higher than the stars
everything you'll ever need and so much more
Jesus Christ King of Kings, Lord of all.

i love God!!

2006-02-10T16:35:00.000+08:00

warmest greetings to all you longsuffering comrades.
praise the Lord for your happy laughing faces. indeed, i sure do hope you brushed your teeth well this morning. i took exceptional care in brushing and mouthwashing and flossing this morning, but the sparkly clean mouth failed to serve its open-mouthed purpose today, for all i did after seeing my grades was to stone.
that is, until my form teacher told me to pick up the pen, take out the cap, print my name on the list and take my things away.
so hmm. my result slip doesn't know how to spell anything beyond the first letter.
which means it can't form a sentence, which is actually quite good, which is quite ironical, don't you think?
what i'm really proud of is the silver award for exemplary conduct certificate! HAHAHA.
my english got a1 eh. HAHA. i didn't finish the composition somemore. crazy.
literature in english also a1. HAHAHA. okay i'm delirious.
nothing else is a big surprise. ;)
i'm so proud of crescent! the average point was a jaw dropping 10.8. and 53.4% had distinctions for english, up from 22+%. 100% for art. 72.1% for lit. 85% for combined humans. 90++ for chinese lit. 83% for comb(phychem). 72 for physics? 65 for chem? cant remember already... but so many subjects' distinction rates went up by more than 20%. and we're now a band 1 school! it's so crazy its scary.
band 1 lor. from band 3.
haha so our batch isn't that slow after all! Super Batch! (:
and back at crescent, i realised how much i missed it. the teachers think/communicate faster.. so many people know so many people.. everything is taught so well.. school values are so strong..
and the teachers are so cute la. ask mingee who. haha ok so now you all know.
hmm.
there'll probably be a war tonight. he'll never stop talking about nj's possibility now. that monkey.. or ape, more like.....
but i've decided; i'm getting attached to sajccb. (:
now it's up to my debate and drama skills! wooopay.
congrats, you all. have a blessed weekend ahead.

Lord, the light of your love is shining
In the midst of the darkness, shining
Jesus, Light of the world, shine upon us
Set us free by the truth you now bring us
Shine on me, shine on me
Shine, Jesus, shine,
Fill this land with the Father's glory
Blaze, Spirit, blaze
Set our hearts on fire,
Flow, river, flow
Flood the nations with grace and mercy,
Send forth your word, Lord
and let there be light.

be still my soul

2006-01-22T16:41:00.000+08:00

through the course of the week i've started to feel dead in sajc. maybe it's cos my og was full of nice people and suddenly when we got seperated i got to meet some not so friendly people. i think i should focus more on studying. when they're ready i'll be back.
till then i'll be waiting/reflecting. sajc band is nearing the centre of my life.
i'm heartened by the dedication and love from the seniors. i hope the j1 batch will be like them someday.
but anyway what i wanted to say was, after telling my brother about the things that happened this week and after he told me how saspop went and unconsciously lessened my uncertainties through talking rubbish, it seemed that there was more to sajc but i just had to give things a chance to happen. it seems elizabeth was right about my brother being a big influence on me being in sa.
anything can happen within these 2 weeks.
but if i stay on, it will be only for the band.
must be more serious. moses told bro i was torturable.
i'm drifting. i'm working on living my life as a living testimony for Him.
but sometimes i do some things that make me feel so bad.
in the morning i pray He'll guide me; use me and draw me near in his will.
and during the day i just sit back and watch people bitch.
each time i walk past morning worship, it gets easier.
but when i reflect, i want so bad for God to be proud of a child like me.
then i remember these things and realise, i'll never be worthy of His love no matter how good i am. still, i'll try. and i will be proud of myself someday.
so melodramatic.
i'm going to go study already.
have a good week.
this week was shit.

His love gave me another day to live.

2006-01-08T23:30:00.000+08:00

My Jesus, My Saviour
Lord there is none like You
All of my days, I want to praise
The wonders of Your mighty love
My comfort, My shelter
Tower of refuge and strength
Let every breath, all that I am
Never cease to worship You

Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Let us sing. Power and majesty, praise to the King.
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of Your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love You, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in You.

this is it, study time's starting again. and our brain juices can stop fermenting.
have a good week (:

first week of school

2006-01-07T19:20:00.000+08:00

sajc.
wow.
i have been rendered speechless.
a tribute to my og.
how do i love thee? let me count the ways.
henceforth shall i warn thee, this may take many days.
but still can i perservere, for my will is strong
and ever ready will i be to conquer the list so long.

xiuhui the aunty, photographing everything in sight
thine antics made me giggle in the middle of the night
"stop" she exclaimed, after we did the hollerback cheer
"replay replay, let me videotape, look here."
unglamly covered in newspaper ink, we fleed like a rocket
and grudgingly she kept the canon in her pocket.

lynne poured chilli all over her chicken rice
and made the astounding discovery that it wasn't very nice.
she was almost going to swallow an ice skating rink,
but settled instead for a water chestnut drink.

sorry ah. i need to go out for a while to look for inspiration.
(:

sajc is sitting on the rocking chair..
mua. haha.

first day of school!

2006-01-02T21:05:00.000+08:00

hello.
sad early old month to everyone alive. (((:
we get to report 2 minutes later than usual! which means two extra minutes of sleep which means two minutes to finish dying/running/drowning/falling in the nightmare which means there is actually a potential that i will wake up on the left side of the bed tomorrow.
which wont really come as that big a surprise, because i sleep on the left side of the bed. mom takes the right.
yeahh.
so.
cheers to two extra minutes!
hmm. we get to wear blue hairpins in sajc ehh what a considerable liberation. after 10 years of black tiny rubbberbands. and stiff black amah pins. i would much rather have substituted them for diaper safety pins, but then silver wasn't allowed too.
HAHA. so now, there are many more important things that i should be channeling my energy towards beside reminiscence, such as worrying about whether the skirt clips will not be reunited on my waist, or shuddering in anticipation of clarifying the myth that guys have kootus, or thinking up of retarded actions to represent my player during that concentration game that traumatised me during acjc's band prac.. or inventing unpronouncable names to introduce myself to PWUIMs (people who unintentionally irk me).
speaking of PWUIM names, i've thought so hard, but only came up with one flabbergasting wachamacallitomgitsnotevenaword.
palamagadadad.
eh. it's a good start okay. PWUIMs usually cant pronounce words with more than one vowel, so i'm being merciful. i don't know what i'm preparing this for anyway; not one PWUIM has crossed my path before. still, better prepared than heck-cared.
at least it puts me on par with moocheekoopalamiginit. almost. nearing the far. and i was further before. imagine. if you dare. oooooo.
..
it's 2 minutes to 2200hrs now, and if i publish the post and off the computer in one minute i'll have another minute to brush my teeth and go to sleep and exactly 8 hours (and two minutes) to snooze. HMM.
good night, happy oging. ((: sad gnigo. gingo. ginko.
BYEBYE.

st andrew's junior college

2005-12-16T17:33:00.000+08:00

School Posted To	ST ANDREW'S JUNIOR COLLEGE
Course Posted To	SCIENCE / 0804S

got in! (:
thank God, the merciful saints didn't all flock together at once and get sucked into my plane engine, after i prayed so much harder than the diamond thing they use in oil rigs to cut the seabed into little little pieces. pardon my use of imagery.
and so many people i prayed equally as hard for got what they wanted too!
i'm the mighty new PPG.
pls leave me to my delusions for a week.
heng arh.
phew.
woopie.
yeepey.
weeee.

on hiatus

2005-12-14T20:26:00.000+08:00

i went on hiatus. ):
HOW COULD I. ):
i was tired.
TIRED HMM? I THOUGHT WHEN THERE'S A WHEEL (TYRE) THERE'S A WAY?
and daddy said i was going to get poisoned from all the unburnt carbon lining my digestive system.
HE'S PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF THIS THING CALLED.. REDOX?
i don't know.
it's as if there's an angel on my right shoulder and a devil on the left having a verbal spar, and my brain in centre is telling everybody to shut up.
maybe i've cracked up. complete with the voices inside/beside the head package.
WHAT MAYBE. OBVIOUSLY LA.
SHUDD UPPPPP!!!!!
now that that's been taken care of, let's continue.
wait. we (indicates you and me) haven't even started. all i've done so far was listen to myself talk to myself about how myself was feeling crazy, myself talking to myself and myself not liking myself talking to myself.
GIVE ME A BREAK.
ok.
i think i'm just missing the section too much. and the sec4s, and band, and 4s2 and 2G2..........
boooohooohooohooo. poor me. pat pat, it's okay, stop patting, later become beef patty.
or worse, beefy and petty. cue the lightning and thunder sound effect in the background and raindrops start to patter...
lets break the guiness world record for the heaviest load of crap ever recorded on a black "i'm a clarinettist" blog that has a picture of three laughing frogs with varying degrees of exposed teeth on it. the frogs' teeth cant be seen in the picture. they're transparent you see. so just try to imagine. you know. like how Princess Fiona in shrek did. the whole sweep me off my feet thing.
you probably are wondering how shrek has anything related to the three aforementioned frogs.
well.
they're all green.
so, yup.
writer's block alert! my stupefying juices are not flowing. not viscous. not volatile. it's bituminous.
with effect from now, you will cease to read new flabbergasting speeches as i will attempt to be a normal blogger, and start my entries with
today i woke up at 074523am. wah, so tired i tell you. don't know why also. maybe cos yesterday i slept at 225437hrs. it's actually considered late cos i woke up yesterday at 041256hrs to play maple story. i just had to. did i mention that i slept the day before yesterday at 015926hrs? technically that isn't the day before yesterday, it's just yesterday, which actually makes everything worse.
(and on and on about how everything was made worse. and then)
i stopped playing at 124278hrs (this afternoon) and walked down to the s11 coffee shop at toh yi. i ate rice with sweet and sour pork and kailan and the seaweed wrapped around the meat thing. the aunty put brown gravy on my rice eh. EEE so unhealthy. you know what is inside the gravy? let me tell you what makes the gravy brown
(what's inside the gravy)
the walk back to the house made me feel less guilty. my macdonalds calorie counter told me that i burnt 0097236877665256329854237843 calories. of course, that could just have been a fiction of my imagination. but who knows, you know? uncle edmund was telling us something about the placebo effect this sunday. maybe the sun inspired my calorie counter to "flash forth" the large string of numbers that i have so kindly memorized to type for you to see. maybe my calorie counter was just broken. but who knows, you know? HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK.
.
back to the present entry, before anything unforseen happens to your computer screen.
eg. you punch a hole in it, hoping the computer will transmit your punch and the lcd on my screen will grow a fist like projection long enough to punch me, even if i'm sitting 3 metres away from the screen in lieu of your possible forthcoming punch.
see, once i start crapping, i cant stop crapping.
someone once told me "the most dangerous form of thinking is wishful thinking"
and someone else evolved it to "the most dangerous form of writing is wishful writing."
now it's my turn to create a word of wisdom, not just consisting of one word.
"the most dangerous form of crapping is wishful crapping"
okay, so that doesn't exactly make sense.
but it takes a confounding statement to give off the vibe that you're smarty farty.
-ego inflates and cracks through the four walls.
before this entry gets so long that it reaches your floor, i'll end off.
pls do not hesistate to chastise me if i have already broken your computer table.
till we meet again, cherie;
have a happy week.
i wont cry over spilt milo.

PETPET

2005-12-10T10:27:00.000+08:00

this is what you get when your brother has a sensitive olfactory system.
no pets with fur, his external nares will get irritated and itchy.
the fleas might get stuck within the internal nares.
germs that spread rabies or the likes might get inhaled and stick onto his adenoids, causing his entire face to inflate until it is twice its original size.
when the creature expels air forcibly from the mouth and nose in an explosive, spasmodic involuntary action resulting chiefly from irritation of its own nasal mucous membrane, droplets of goo sail towards your brother's delicate trachea. into the bronchus. past the bronchioles. and splatters all over his alveoli, causing a massive volcanic gigantic LUNG ATTACK.
his lungs convulse in resistance, his eyes widen in terror as he senses that the inevitable is fast approaching. and with one last violent gag, he spits out an entire lung. a faint grin spreads across his face.
so okay, no big deal, mother washes out the lung and gives it back to brother to swallow.
and you will await the next lung attack with anticipation and composure.
._.
i cant have a pet because of my faint heart.
HAHAHAHAHA.
..

elmo's ear song

2005-12-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

elmo's ear song.
do your ears hang low,
do they wobble to and fro
can you tie them in a knot,
can you tie them in a bow?
do they fall between your toes
can they wrap around your nose
do your ears-hang-low?

do your ears stretch wide, do they reach from side to side
can you use them as a parachute
or wings that let you glide?
can you cast a cooling shadow
over most of san dieago
do your ears-stretch-wide?

are your ears too big? are they heavy as a pig?
do they bruise your cerebellum
when you dance an irish jig?
can they function as the anchors
for a fleet of oil tankers
are your ears-too-big?

are your ears real small, barely visible at all
do they look just like two peanuts stuck onto a bowling ball?
can you store them in a thimble when you're feeling rather nimble?
are your ears real small?

are your ears quite clean? do they have a lovely sheen?
did you harvest all the vegetables that grow down in between?
did you wash out all the soil after all your farming toil?
are your ears quite clean?

are your ears too thin? do the breezes make 'em spin?
can you shine a light right through them like the finest onionskin?
can you wrap up a salami, do they fold like origami?
are your ears too thin?

click here to listen to the midi.
my sesame street stuffed toys were sitting beside me singing along, and naturally i was compelled to spread their joy.
ha-ha. have a good holiday.

the patty sandwiched between two loafs. hot loafs.

2005-11-13T17:49:00.000+08:00

shhH i'm not online.
i humbly apologize to all who have been stumped by my obvious attempt to communicate with the aliens in pluto. and i reassure all (actually two kindest friends who spent time eyeballing my ramblings) that i have embarked upon the mission to make reading easier on your poor vision.
I HAVE LEARNT never to use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
lol.
i was looking up the lit consultation forum for last minute confirmations. and as soon as i finished swallowing the last mind boggling topic of discussion, another one got posted.
so the thing continued la. until i stared at the time and realised oh no, what have i been doing the past xxx hours?
and immediately after that pulse-ceasing realisation dawned on me i furiously hammered in the url required to create another post, and here i am rambling deriliously. maybe not to that extent.
i haven't started tearing at my hair in angst.
yet.
so. i should stop now.
goodbye.
talk about abrupt.

lets talk about cambridge

2005-10-23T23:48:00.000+08:00

am i online?
i didn't mean to be. really.
but since i am, might as well attempt an reconciliation.
cambridge examiners, despite your evil inhumane doings, i have forgiven you with all my heart.
i will not be dreaming of your gory mutilation anymore, for being a literature student, my notes have convinced me to see your part of the story.
also i was thinking. harbouring unhealthy murderous thoughts could possibly implicate seriously ill psychological effects. and my psychiatrist has encouraged me to avoid magnifying the magnitude of my mental incapacity and aggravating the haywired neuroconnections in my brain, giving rise to more short circuits and even more outbursts of mental instability because the cause of my disease just might undergo a genetic mutation in sync with the adaptation to survive through the unfavourable electrifying conditions i have unconsciously created, thus a contagious strain of the virus might emerge. then u'll all be crazy too.
.
let us proceed with the main topic.
poor longsuffering cambridge markers.
they risk their lives and brave the snow storms to get to the marking centres. they toil supremely hard, burning the midnight oil, sunlight oil and moonlight oil just to plough through and to grade the overflowing piles of scripts that in turn have braved the dangerous winds and the kamikaze seagulls to fly all the way to cambridge. indeed, they are deserving of my honourific gratitude.
some even give up their basic needs just to meet the deadline in march. some forget the presence of daylight for 3 whole intense months, giving up even the joy of experiencing vitamin d production. or vasodilation. upon my word, i have been told that some even forgo the toilet forthe entire duration of the three holocaustic months.
these markers are challenged with rickets, retinoblastoma, constipation, malnutrition, starvation. believe me, comrades, it will be like a battleground there in time to come.
poor frail eldery markers, hunching over our yellowed scripts and squinting to decipher our illegible handwriting. poor them, exhausting the lens power of the spectacles which have never ceased to serve them faithfully, until faced with the immaculate war of light rays from our script. poor poor markers. struggling to keep warm in the harsh and bitter cold of winter that we are so fortunate to see only artificially at tanglin mall. struggling to keep awake amidst the flickers of the lullaby-like fire that always fail to give them sufficient warmth.-solemn look.
for goodness's sake. let us save the lives of these poor self-sacrificial markers.
let us bring colour to their sorrowful months.
let us use.
MAGIC PENS.
you really won't ever see me again until after o's.
if you do.
my bucket's probably kicked.. ):
stop looking happy. )):
till we meet again, happy studying.

biology the essence?

2005-10-18T21:53:00.000+08:00

good day to all alive.
i don't deny that chemistry is what we're mostly made up of.
but it makes me shudder when i realise that biology, too, is the essence of our being.
shudders.
so anyway, classmates were talking today about how we have to love the teachers to see an a1 on the cert.
again, shudders. this strangely reminds me of cold turkey.
let us dwell on a more retroactive subject that stands a higher chance of contributing towards world peace. and when i say retroactive i mean really retroactive, having had the gargoylic thoughts (that will be mentioned after this sentence) clouding and emulsifying every ounce of brain cell that exists in the hollow of my skull. my motive in life has been redirected towards the assimilation and egestion of the setters from cambridge of the MICROSCOPIC biology practical we had today.
for one thing, there is reason to believe that they were testing us for the presence of magnifying lenses embedded our corneas. or maybe they just needed a survey of the average refractive index of the virtous humour of an average electrified haired singaporean student. honestly, i have no idea what their evil intentions were, but i do know they made us draw a drawing almost 80 mm in length from a specimen of 6 pairs of leaves, that when clustered together only measure a HUMONGOUS 4mm length across the longest widest biggest part of it. and at that size, the leaf stalks were almost transparent, i had to feel it to know it was there.
we had to cut the 6 leaves from a portion of the plant ourselves, putting like 90% of the plant part given to us to waste. hello, i'm an environmentalist. i was a young botanist and i'm gonna be a young assasinist. nice to meet you.
okay i'm exaggerating, but isn't it known across the world that more than a third of the students here in singapore has myopia?
what could the intelligent graduates from prestigeous universities in cambridge possibly be focusing all their energy on? hybrid genes that can be inserted into transgenic bacteria to aid the production of radical hormones that increase the volatility of subcutaneous fat? i bet they're just testing the swiveling power of the lousy chairs they get to lounge in for the ten million and 9 months of the year, leaving 3 decent months of hard work and labour to come up with yet another outrageous biology practical to cause the inevitable balding of unfortunate candidates sitting for biology. hello smarties, one of the definitions of power is the energy generated over time allocated, and if no energy is put in the power remains negligible. shouldn't you already know that? there might be a method to their logic though, since the time put in is also nil. and a zero reciprocal gives rise to an infinite amount of power.
woahh. so smart huh. i'm so remarkably impressed. but not compressed. not depressed. not oppressed. seriously i'm just filled with suppressed AGONAYYY.
fuming. sizzling. vapourising. someone put me through a reflux condenser, quick.
...
ha-ha-ha. my toes are laughing.
have i failed to include the glaring fact that they almost repeated the entire carrot experiment given just 7 years ago. who in the right frame of mind sets a repeat paper! obviously they were rotating in their oiled high chairs the entire year of the year set aside for the setting of our batch's practical, discontented with the 9 months of leisure time given.
speculation, speculation.
so maybe they asked for the longitudinal section of the carrot instead of the transverse. that doesn't change the whole carrot and onion thing! it's still a root, and it's still a condensed stem and absurd fleshy leaves. how can they just repeat the practical after the whole war story we etched while swallowing our entire biology textbook? i had to resist the urge to spray the entire bottle of benedict's solution on our supervisor (who was a lucy liu lookalike, which probably hints why i didn't in the end.)
adios amigos. you will never see me till the end of o's.
and if you do, remember - you didn't.
till then. i will be praying for your survival.

makeunder

2005-09-25T14:57:00.000+08:00

devoirs to all fellow earthlings, marslings, whatever. it has been a devastatingly long time since i last addressed an attentive audience.
and indeed, i must say. i am immensely touched that you would take some precious time out of your overloaded schedules to read my blog.
still, my heart aches to tell you that i have nothing interesting to say today. if you were hoping to be humoured, or even just to forget the existence of your life support (books), i woefully regret to inform you that if you complete reading this entire entry, you will have gone bald.
but do not fear, my fellow comrades.
i do believe i have a remedy for baldness. something i call....
hair grafting.
hair does not decompose as fast as the body.
so if we're fast enough. we might be able to collect a sufficient amount of hair from the morgue to fill the void on your head.
not in your head, though. i have yet another concoction to allievate the lack of grey matter in your skull. it's not exactly appetizing, so hmm.
the things we learn in biology.
..to make the most of the vitamin c supplements you consume, drink your kidney juice!
and who would forget the most patriotic fly award: the red and white eyed drosophilia flies.
especially when they're heterozygous. independantly patriotic.
of course the homozygous ones could find a spouse with different coloured eyes, then parade together, patriots wing in wing..
unless both their wings are of the short variety, then they'd have to hop leg in leg.
and they'll campaign together with one very strong vision.
to eliminate all flies with codominant eye colour genes-
pinkywinky.
"eh let me see your eyes what colour. YOU TRAITOR. i shall rid you of your disloyalty towards our species. (bangbangishootyoudown)"
so much for morbidity.
study time.
happy moaning we'll be..

sparkly

2005-09-22T12:03:00.000+08:00

i discovered my undying love for the sun, the sky, and just about everything that makes my eyes go sparkly.
will probably go blind sometime soon, then saf won't consider me a prospect.
still, i'll continue to love all sparkle inducing matter.
it was so kinky you know, immediately after our last paper today i leapt out of the dense air-ed auditorium and stared at the sky, murmuring in awe.
"hello God, i cant believe you let me survive.."
and my eyes went sparkly la.
then when i was walking back to the mpr mingee started talking abt some questions, then i noticed her eyes were sparkly too.
and i was so exuberant that i blurted.
"we have ONE WHOLE HOUR TO REST. YAY."
THEN I REALISED. after that one big hour of liberation, we'd all have to mug,cupandglass our toes off for five more weeks.
just five more weeks.. so motivating!
(please try not to notice that those words are overflowing with something the colour of what most plant upper epidermal cells don't contain.)
so after that enlightenment, all the sparkly departed from me. and i missed the sparkly feeling.
but it was a good vibe to remember, so i'll let the sparkly spur me on when i'm discouraged.
so remember kids, when faced with setbacks...
think sparkly!
eh i can go compete with that horlicks commercial. ((:
we've got a class chalet this weekend, and g2 outing to east coast on mondayy
supposed to play ultimate frisbee with the class after maths today, but i think everyone decided to go home to sleep instead. still, class unity man. all the way.
what to wear for 'lady in me' day? office clothes are so starchy. then gotta walk like penguin.
how adorable right. 360 female feminist penguins wobbling up the crescent hill. plop plop
LOL.
i tell you something funny.
i was on this taxi la. then as we were going up the slope the uncle went "wahh so nice ah your school? on the top of the hill.. -can lah, i never really noticed.- hmm. goodness the view is so pretty from the carpark!"
and i was about to say eh uncle, is this your first day on umm earth? but he turned around just in time to say. heh thanks, byebye.
HAHA. what a psychosomatic mind he has!
ok la. i better go study.
all the best to anyone who still has papers. (:
God bless.

The Prayer

2005-08-07T20:24:00.000+08:00

I pray You'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go
and help us to be wise in times when we don't know
let this be our prayer, when we lose our way
lead us to the place, guide us with Your grace
to a place where we'll be safe

I pray we'll find Your light, and hold it in our hearts
when stars go out each night
remind us where You are
let this be our prayer, when shadows fill our day.

A world where pain and sorrow will be ended
and every heart that's broken will be mended
and we'll remember we are all God's children, reaching out to touch You
reaching out to the sky.

disturbed

2005-07-17T16:26:00.000+08:00

i'm disturbed.
-we're disturbed, we're disturbed,
we're the most disturbed.
like we're psychologic'ly DISTOIBED.
i wish i could stop digressing so easily. it's quite frightening how the electrical impulses in my brain can diverge into so many branches so quickly.
so readily.
so RETARDEDLY(:
i just realised that there's a mosquito romping around me now.
and i've found 7 bites already... and there she is still sitting on my leg.
drink away, skeeter girl. (sk8ter boi's girlfriend) just don't pass me dengue and i'll not kill you.
i should eat some tabasco sauce. haha. then there'll be a pretty display of fireworks around me.
don't have to waste time watching ndp.
!!! die. this kind of cowtitude how to get into the airforce. okay better go continue studying.
happy tree day.

sorry batteries..

2005-07-13T21:56:00.000+08:00

i'm probably the world's biggest walking idiot..
i'm sorry!!!
sigh. so stupid of me. sorry for distracting you.
don't be sad. (:

the monster i met on the train

2005-07-10T00:06:00.000+08:00

hear ye.
fate just spoke to me through my pillow, and said that i would not sleep in peace today.
but destiny will triumph over fate, and i will find sleep. upon my word, i declare that i have identified the fragment of thought that stands between me and my sleep.
she is. the monster i met on the train.
YOU SEE. i was thirsty hungry and dying on the way back yesterday, cos for some sadistic reason, the teachers in crescent obviously made a mass resolution at the beginning of the week to deprive sec4 students of as much food and rest as possible.
one of their battle plans were to pile us with work and tests. but we triumphed over that adversity and emerged very much alive, so they tried instead to use up our lunch periods based on strange excuses such as "you will not leave the classroom until everyone has handed in blabla"
so i had barely a drop of nutrient in me by the end of the day la. cos i don't go for recess. and i went with shan to photocopy some geog worksheets for the people who lost them..
so after school. on the way back.
got some green tea at redhill. stared at it delightfully, but my joy was short lived because we had to quickly move up to catch the train. so gotta wait a few more minutes.
finally. on the train, i took a sip and closed my eyes in escatsy as the relief of having something osmosize into me after a long day of starvation drowned me. it felt as if i were on wings, floating up to the sky. -suddenly
"you're not supposed to drink green tea here. you should know that yourself." this grubby woman monster said. i was baffled. i stared at her in mock horror.
firstly. if i had transferred the drink into an opaque bottle, my drinking the drink would not have been questioned. so having scolded me for letting her see that i was drinking tea instead of what she knows as holy water, the woman is conclusively judging the our inability to spend the time and energy and money on expensive sport bottles for the shallow sake of hiding the fact that we are drinking more effective thirst quenchers on the train.
secondly, if we had been a group of boys instead of girls, the likelihood of her making such a fuss over my apparent misdeed would have been much smaller. why? because it's easier to bully smaller looking people of the weaker gender. considering the case that her efforts to have a child that could preserve her husband's bloodline were futile, causing her to she feel the uncanny need to vent her frustration onto unsuspecting and less compatible targets, it is very clear that this woman has committed a serious misdeed herself. if she hates the sight of children, then that's another story.
which brings me to my next point.
her generation of women started the plea of liberation after having benefited from the then ineffective singapore education system. i want to have the satisfaction of a successful career too, they all thought. the men can always get pregnant instead of us. we don't always have to give way to God's plan of our fruitful multiplication. so we will all have one point four six children, and no more.
and because of people like this monster on the train, who cares more for her career than her kids IF even existent (from the fact that it was after 6pm when we got on the train), our longsuffering generation of pathetic children will grow up to higher tax rates and lower bonuses. because a large portion of our money will go towards sustaining the lives of the previous generation who refused to contribute towards the replenishing of the only natural resource singapore has. so much for being morally upright. go home and bring me 5 baby monsters, and maybe i'll never bring anything but water on a train anymore.
i, unlike you, have done my part as a citizen of our country. i helped this amah carry her heavy plastic bags from the mrt to a taxi stand just this wednesday. and because of the monster i met on the train, i have decided never to ever take trains home again. this way she has impeded a citizen from lending a helpful hand to our society. and this new statistic will last everyday until i die.
so not only has she created a very bad impression on the young and vulnerable future breadwinners of singapore, she also contributed towards making life harder to bear for many amahs taking our trains.
such a disgrace. i don't take advice from this kind of people. auntie monster.
ehh. still not sleepy. haiyo.
many happy returns of the night.

inyonmana nenkw' enabaala.

2005-07-09T13:53:00.000+08:00

i've learnt how to speak south african! (:
ingonyama nengw' enamabaala. means "there's a lion and a tiger."
and sithi uhhmm, ingonyama neng'w enamabaala is "oh yes, it's a lion and a tiger."
hoye. now i'm ready to start galavanting all the way to the land of the sand where there's always nothing around the bend.
so thrilled. i'm practically leaping for joy la.
it's so hot now. i want to pluck all my hair out.
1.
2.

closure

2005-07-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

gazing before her, dawn's rosy fingers barely peeked over the horizon, hardly illuminating the dark sky. the once alive streets were now abandoned, and the twinkling lights were now extinguished. last night's rain had drowned the cobblestone streets, leaving a glistening film for the morn.

eyebags

2005-07-04T19:41:00.000+08:00

eyebags came back this afternoon. they were hideous. glaring.
mocking. mortifying.
okay, maybe it doesn't look that bad. but if they don't go away by wednesday, i'll go for oral with an arabian mask over my head..
started studying at 830 today. stopped for lunch at 3 something. not hungry yet, so ate a few strands of spaghetti, left the rest for later and logged on to neopets for some absurd reason.
and immediately this person from the newbie board said i should be offline doing literature.
and i was like @#$%&@#%?!! what's wrong you? what's wrong with having a break?! stuff kitkat in your mouth ah. break you instead. ....
anyway, don't know why so obedient, went offline. did maths. did a maths. did half of literature.
did other practices. a lot of things lah. i don't know what. cos i wasn't thinking.
back started aching again, so went to the living room table. hours passed and brother came home from airforce school.
he opened the fridge, took out the remaining spaghetti and sauce and ate it all up.
and i stared hungrily. the aroma was so. omg.
then he switched on the tv and watched tongxinyuan.. i was quite upset lah, trying to study and not be tempted to go and watch too.. but couldn't. so
"aiyoh. can have some compassion?!"
"..."
"i was considerate when you were studying for ur a's and o's lor."
"how can like that? this is my FAVOURITE show. it's the only time i get to learn chinese now i've graduated you know." @#$%&?!@#$%@#&???
finally went back to my room. 2 more questions, won't die of the backache. blah.
then i started thinking about the times when he had his major exams. the days monster made me stay in my room to keep out of his way. told me not to watch tv, on the radio, use the comp, make loud noises because "brother has to study for his o levels..."
"then how come the night before my psle started you had so many people over until so late?"
"that's different. when you study for your o's i'll make sure you have a conducive environment to study in also."
yah. and you're barely at home this year to keep your monster junior from throwing wooden chairs at me when he has had a bad day. a wonderfully conducive environment you have provided me with. i express deep gratitude.
maybe i'm starting to be jealous of the love my parents give my brother. maybe i'm envious of his smartness.
but i know it's wrong to covet anything that belongs to someone else. so i try not to wish that i could have his good fortune.
sometimes i just wish.. that my parents could spare me more of their time.
or that i could find someone to confide in. to put my trust in. to share my love.
instead of just taking it away.
i dare tell myself that i've given my all at every opportunity, although i don't want to say so in personality tests, because that limits my perception of 'all'. but nothing much comes back.
and every night i ask the Lord. how come? but he doesn't answer.
so i think. maybe it's not enough. and i try harder the next day. and the next, and the next.
okay this is getting quite sad. let us not dwell on this dreary subject. -droll smile.
i met a cockroach outside the lift just now. it was large. it was humongous. i was petrified. then it went into the lift and i sent the lift down. HAHA. ((((:
what a nice neighbour i am. i'll put in a can of bygone the next time i step into that lift.

council investiture

2005-06-28T21:15:00.000+08:00

today was council investiture. (stepping down: the new depressant)
sonia just had to step on shamie's shoes just before we walked into the auditorium
so the banana started walking like some clown with a really constipated look la. and the guests were trying to stifle their laughter. and ms azlin gave this big eyed alarmed stare. then as we walked towards the back of the hall, shaminah lifted up her entire long leg and stuck her fingers into the court shoe to pull it back on. a very unglam act, so practically the entire two levels burst out laughing at her.
poor soul.
by the time she got over feeling embarrassed, sonia said she was starting to feel guilty.
HAHA. such hilarious people.
getting the testimonial from ms cheong. that was the longest handshake i have ever had in my entire life.
farewell was sweet. today rocked (:
i'm gonna miss council very much.
they flashed pictures of our last council camp (04) while waiting for the new exco to prepare their item, and it just suddenly dawned on me how fast last year had passed. and how fast this year was passing. and how soon we'll graduate from school itself. it still seems like just yesterday that i got to know people in my subcom so well. the late nights we spent inventing all those retarded games and jokes and nicknames.
bambam. gosh. of all the weirds.
as much as i complain about the way of life of a banana being life-shortening, the memories i've had in crescent are starting to be pretty to remember. and i should dare say by now that i'm proud to have been part of this banana family.
so starts the dispensation of regret once again. i should have treasured all the times we had together while we had the time.
but it's always the case that you don't know how much something truly means to you until you start losing it. by then it's too late to make much amends.

i remember the letter of resignation i wrote but didn't send, after all the incidents that happened within my notorious class. two against 40. it wasn't easy for huiqi and me, with opposing pressures from pres, dm, and class. but through the 2 years in council.. i know the two of us understand how to handle these pressures so much better.
and anyway, memories we have from council camp and leadership trg'05 makes all the shit so much easier to forget. :)

-grins from east to west

2005-06-25T21:57:00.000+08:00

i feel so smart now! -grins broadly. cos youth retreat was highly educational.
a good IQ level gives me security. and security brings happiness.
as the saying goes, a happy spongebob is an effective spongebob.
and an effective spongebob prevents floods, which in turn gives the rest of human kind a sense of security. but this sadly doesn't give them high IQ.
it just makes them happy.
and happy faces are pretty.
and pretty faces are not ugly.
you know, like pretty ugly, but not exactly ugly.
HAHA. nuts.
school's opening in 2 days and i'm barely making sense.
i better go read more self help books.
the idiot's guide to finishing his sentanc WHA-?

vbssy. happymeal

2005-06-23T18:29:00.000+08:00

haha.
happy la. vbs didn't die today. even though we had so few helpers.
still, we only had to look after microscopic, simple beings. (basking in the glory of being so much taller than 4 to 6 year olds)
left at 830 for school. investiture rehearsal. so catwalky. our side of the hall had so many complications. it's gonna be okay tomorrow though. fast learners, slow do-ers.
listening to first suite in Eb now. it's quite amazing how gustav holst is able to think of such contrasting variations just backing on a 16 bar Eb scale. what a twisted mind.
someone once told me how musicians are able to come up with intersting tunes and methods because the electrical impulses found in the cranial nervous system differs in speed or path from that of other normal human beings. or something like that. cool eh.
maybe that's why mozart's hair was so bizzare. he frequently electrocuted himself.
such a perky guy.
the speed of occurrences around you determines how fast you do things/think things.
so i burnt a cd of super hip band songs and studied under its influence.
apparently, it's not working. maybe the player doesn't spin the CD fast enough.
even i can spin faster lah! i go help spin it k.
somewhere around the far west, you hear an explosion.

cloony the clown

2005-06-21T14:22:00.000+08:00

i'll tell you the story of Cloony the clown
who worked in a circus that came through town.
his shoes were too big and his hat was too small
but he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
he had a trombone to play loud silly tunes
he had a green dog and a thousand balloons.
he was floppy and sloppy and skinny and tall
but he just wasn't, just wasn't funny at all.
and everytime he did a trick
everyone felt a little sick
and everytime he told a joke
folks sighed as if their hearts were broke
and everytime he lost a shoe
everyone looked awfully blue
and everytime he stood on his head
everyone screamed, "go to bed!"
and everytime he made a leap
everybody fell asleep
and everytime he ate his tie
everyone began to cry
and Cloony could not make any money
simply because he was not funny.
one day he said, "i'll tell this town
how it feels to be an unfunny clown."
and he told them all why he looked so sad
and he told them all why he felt so bad
he told of pain and rain and cold
he told of darkness in his soul.
and after he finished his tale of woe,
did everyone cry? oh nonono.
they laughed until they shook the trees
with "HAHAHAS" and "HEEHEEHEES"
they laughed with howls and yowls and shrieks
they laughed all day, they laughed all week
they laughed until they had a fit
they laughed until their jackets split.
the laughter spread for miles around
to every city, every town
over mountains, 'cross the sea
from Saint Tropez to Mun San Nee
and soon the whole world rang with laughter
lasting till forever after
while Cloony stood in the circus tent,
with his head drooped low and his shoulders bent
and he said "THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT -
I'M FUNNY JUST BY ACCIDENT."
and while the world laughed outside
Cloony the Clown sat down and cried.

so accomplished (:

2005-06-18T22:25:00.000+08:00

today was a very eventful day.
cos the i overcame all the odds of procrastination, and came up with a good, constructive list of games for the kids to play this coming VBS.
not bad eh. it's a BIG accomplishment ok. i bet it's like one of the moments i'd grow up and think back, and say to myself "oh, those were the days. nothing much happens now i'm a skeleton"...
didn't go for choir though. God's probably quite angry now.
and i watched addams family. positive, He's hopping mad.
was doing physics in the morning, and i got bored. so i hung my head out of the window to take in the fresh morning air. ah, nothing beats the aroma of freshly chlorinated swimming pool water.
yucks.
all distractions aside, i heard my upstairs neighbour talking to his cigarette.
it was about his digestive system. of all the weirds.
but he was using the term "digestive cycle" instead.
i'm sure i just dug my ears. and i'm super sure cycle would signify that the input substance is similar to the output.
in other words, i'd try not to think of what the poor soul swallows on a daily basis.
this world is such a warped place.
don't know what to do tmr for monster.
father's day right.
haiyo.

MUAHAHA.

2005-06-13T15:26:00.000+08:00

i think the virus mutated.
strange symptoms. i won't go into detail though. quite bloody.
i could give frankenstein a transfusion.
only he's dead. that stupid creature didn't even wait for me.
so much for pledging undying loyalty. waste my time.
will be going out tomorrow.
maybe i'll wear a mask.
bye.

i could eat you if i wanted to. MY MOUTH IS LARGE.

2005-06-11T13:37:00.000+08:00

two perpetual weeks of brain-consuming courses just ended. but somehow i don't look forward to the coming holidays.
i've just gotten used to the way teachers in crescent relish in making sure that every single one of us god-forsaken bananas turn in spongebobsquarepants by the end of this year. so now that i'm not piahing my butt off, i feel like a dysfunctional bonehead.
and i'm positive that there's this whole thick layer of bozone forming on my skull.
Bozone (n.):
The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone later, unfortunately,
shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
oh i was suffocated last night. haha. my nose completely clogged up and i refused to open my mouth to breathe.
cos in my nightmare, BUBBLES was trying to stuff a clump of wiggling ALGAE into my mouth.
i'm serious. ppg was trying to kill me. so i pursed my lips close just like a normal person would, and most alarmingly, i starting blacking out. memories of my childhood whoozed past my face like polaroid pictures.
but then i woke up gasping like a fish. still alive. HAHA. sad right.
okay lor.

you're an alien? WELCOME HOME.

2005-06-06T22:29:00.000+08:00

compre course today was a blast.
yah. probably the BLAH-st course i've ever sat awake through..
productive, sure. but that double surnamed woman spent about 1/3 of the 2 hours nagging.
eyes so BIG alr still put so much black eyeshadow. wanna hint hint that she didn't get enough sleep last night la. so we can cry for her.
her first words were "i am Flustered."
wah, quite original right your name. gd morning Mrs FLUSTERED. how are you today?
so she went on to tell us the entire story about how the master schedule screwed up.
"the previous class ended at 10.30am, and i'm supposed to be way over here at the other end of the school at 10.30am."
then what did you expect. 10.30pm? 12 hours to walk 50 metres? okay lor. the bio lab snails would be SO HONOURED to crawl the last 20 metres with you.
"i don't understand. i have the exact same schedule paper as Mrs Rupa."
it was photocopied. doofus.
"the last batch had to be hauled to the auditorium."
if we are elephants, you must be a dinosaur.
"and the vice principal had to come in to settle them down."
UH OH. you dig him right. LOL
by the way, british slang is pretty hair-raising at times hmm? i dig you. dig what dig? dig your grave ah, maybe.
spent a lot of time in the sun on sunday. sweltering heat. could practically see the heat waves on the field in west coast.. anws there's a tan line on my lip now. haha. pinkish bronze. lucky not chaota.
gonna plan vacation bible school this yr. muahaha. !!! -slap bish- owch. okay fine i'll be nice.

greetings mortals.

2005-05-30T22:31:00.000+08:00

its over. my life ends now. haha.
funny how i had this premonition that the minute after today's paper, the huge weight on my head would somehow by some unexplained force disappear.
as always, my psychic powers were quack. conversely, my head instantaneously caved in.
of course i'm kidding, you doofus.
anyway, lets take a healthy step to the further past. i had this massive stage fright on sunday. and since then decided never ever to play the piano up stage again.
so after that i made an amazing discovery.
you know how people blah about how cats are super smart and witty creatures and everything?
well that's poop. entirely.
my dad was driving the car la. then there was this tabby trying to cross the road. and then he just paused mid-step, and after an eon turned his head and noticed that there was this big, magic schoolbus-like car staring straight into his nose.
fellow countrymen! listen to me. this cat was not stopped by his uncanny wit, but by an unknown force that is completely out of his reach. how did i infer this exquisite mitigation? you may ask.
well, the cat stared me straight in the eye, and then his face broke into a sheepish grin, guiltily realising that i had seen through his zhen mian mu. (((:
i even got us a picture.

believe it.

last intensive

2005-05-27T19:04:00.000+08:00

woah.
i've only just found out that my cracked up level is shooting through the roof.
you see, as i was browsing through the blogs of some people whom i shall not name so as to avoid poking my keys through the keyboard, and the rolley out thing, and the rolley sideways thing, and even the through floor, and perhaps another 8 storeys down past ground level(end of adjective, comma,,,) i was toying with my hairclip. you know, like open close open close open close.
and then i got worked up...
and somehow. i buckled it out of shape.
its a good thing i have spare blackies unlike some people or i'd be going to school with an unbalanced head tomorrow.
not like my head is usually balanced.
got back the report book today. mingee said i looked fantastic in the front. (sec1 photo).
i tell you, i looked like a corpse. i don't like report books. its an irritatingly striking BRIGHT blue, yet it never fails to bring gloom and darkness of atmosphere wherever it goes. it is an error free contradictory statement. it is a walking joke.
people stare at it and laugh.
people stare at it and cry.
people stare at it and don't know what to do next.
it's just like a juvenile delinquent. it needs has a social disease.
(so take it to a social worker, ha ha ha)-by officer krupke, west side story.
eh, very pokeye lah. i'm more or less done with syllabus, and am finishing the last of the one thousand and seventy something prelim papers laoshi has finally finished piling on us. now there are more things to worry about. such as
will i die during the weekend?
will a miracle happen on sunday?
will monday really come ...
can monday not come? ........
why must i sit so front in the exam hall. and why is my row number so scary.
think think think think think. i'll pray la.
zair ken bee mierikles, wen yoooo b-live. doh hoap eez flail eez hut zoo kip. (:
God bless all candidates for monday.

depressants

2005-05-26T19:25:00.000+08:00

2(500)+2(250)+1000 grams.
the week's passing so quickly. and i'm barely done with all the papers and compre laoshi gave us. and tomorrow's chong fu xi lah. so tonight cannot sleep already.
and i haven't even touched the score that i'm supposed to use to back the children's choir on sunday. and i have to go back to church to work it out on the stage piano. or i'll just die on sunday.
10.45am.
oh dear.
and my brother just walked past and said that i look like i'm having a study break all my life.
like how pissing can that get? he's having a wonderful time with the air force, and here i am slogging through the stupid chinese o's. i feel like strangling him.
rachel boey (i got her name right! (:) was telling us about how mrs lee/mdm kartinie dismissed their coach. they looked so sad.
i think i've got some solutions for them, just hope i don't forget them tomorrow morning.
i sat in for band today. they sounded pretty okay, and the only thing that differentiates them from wow standard is the confidence level. but they were sight-reading. which is actually not a good reason... still, there's time to work that out.
i wish i was going for the trip, then i could give a little more to the jrs' development. i'm not exactly convinced that i properly handed it over to sarina. she's been quite choumeikulian these days. she says its cos of sec1s and her grades. they're quite slack la and bad-attituded, but not as bad as compared to the other section sec1s. just gotta wait till they graduate into the main band. then they'll die. i don't think i'm in any position to talk to them like i used to anymore. i'm not even part of the band le.
cos i'm not going for the trip, and that cant be changed. ha, so get over it stupid girl. i'm sure sarina can do bigger wonders without me there to give zingers.
anyway.
i'm getting used to intensive chinese, and i'll miss it badly when the o's are over.
just gotta cherish these days i guess.
paracetamol always gets stuck in my oesophagus.

i will piah

2005-05-23T08:59:00.000+08:00

this girl is so naughty ah. 6 more days to o's and what is she doing? blogging.
as if her chinese very powderful la. nowadays the annually young people(nian qing ren), don't know the value of hard work. what is this world coming to?? haaaiiiiyaaaa....
if this was your first thought as you entered my weblog and saw yet another new post, all i can say is.
don b so quick to judge peepol.
cos believe it not, i came hear to proclaim my week's resolution. yes hear ye and make ye no mistake. for today marks the start of a very important displacement in all of history! -distant applause
momkeys, wombats, fellow villagers. i would like to promise today. that upon my word, i'm going to get that a1 next week. as soon as i hit the publish key, i will start piahing like no tomorrow, and i will frighten laoshi out of her wits by my uncalled-for sudden burst of confidence.
and of course, she will be compelled to give us more fruitplus and mentos sweets, fuelling us piahlets with even more itch for that victory.
eh. okay, maybe i'm being a little too serious about this coming exam.
but then again, wee muss remember not to under estimate the powers of two little sets of papers. wee muss be wary of the harmful effects that arise with a lousy grade returned just days before our prelims. wee muss remember the proverb: One Die All Die. no single paper will be wimpily done, for it will affect all the others.
wee muss TRIUMPH over this ADVERSITY.
wee will Persevere.
give me a moon! cut it in two! what do you get? crescent.

you

2005-05-19T21:22:00.000+08:00

i'm back yet again. feeling quite guilty about wasting so much time online these few days.
but somehow, i keep having this premonition that if i don't keep some of my thoughts in a safe place, i'll forget all the things that i've given in-depth thought towards, and i'll have to build that 'ease of blah-ing' thing from scratch again. not that i have much of that now.
signs of dementia. hey luling, i think we could be friends!
my uncle discovered he was suffering from lung cancer last month. i haven't been really keeping track of what's been happening since then, but my mother told me today that he had this knee inflammation thing and now that it's subsided, he finds he has lost his ability to move around independently. and he cant talk anymore, only wheeze. just now on the phone, my grandma was asking why couldn't she be the one to go instead, since she's alr lost one eye.
and my mom was all agitated and everything, 'ma how could you say that? how could you even think that??' blahblah. real life soap opera.
so i also drama la. 'mummy must stay strong okay. they need you next week.' all that crap lah. and most unnervingly, she was very taken aback by my sudden maturity. o.0? my thought processes are naturally sophisticated lor. mother goose.
and the monster, wah, best. apparently he found something in the situation so amusing, and so he was grinning like some retard at the other end of the table.
typical family dinner portrait.
anyways, lets put that weird scenario behind us. my mom's going back to the philippines alone next week. and she's gonna drop by pangasinan, and face all that trauma alone. i wish i could go, but chinese o's are next week. but he might be leaving soon, so i think i'll try to visit maybe after chinese.
try to hang on ah, tito. will be praying hard for you.
16 mocks coming in tomorrow. she told us today cos she thought we needed to go back and 'prepare our hearts.' ("zuo hao xin li zhun bei, yi mian zhan shi beng kui")
i think we'll be okay, though. we've done more than 20 papers so far this week. 16 more, turkeyfeet. who am i kidding.
but that's okay, i'm sure God will pull us through this. push also can la, i don't really mind.
but that'll be more like herding right. hmm.
i'm a lamb. mary had a little me.

been

2005-05-18T20:44:00.000+08:00

we did 10+3 mocks today. notice i split the numbers apart, cos if you added them together, and read this on a friday, the force will draw away from you. and wouldn't that be bad on qinpendayu nights. with lightning striking thunders booming and shadows lurking.
muaha.
i'm sorry. peiyi's influenced me with all her light-saber rubbish. almost. this woman ah. getting all gawky over a cat that runs as fast as light. (299792458 m/s) gah. haha.
you.
stop trying to look entertained. don't ever join drama. academy awards are much too heavy for you to even lug off the stage counter so just GIVE IIIITTT UPPP! buckaroo (:
my mom's going overseas again. actually they both wanted to go, but then cookie monster couldn't get leave from work, so she's going alone. its suspicious how ever since my brother got into bmt/ocs/airwing leaving me the only kid in the house, everyone's been trying to san kai at every slight opportunity. so was he really the one that kept everything together? i'm just a boarder here hm.. actually, i don't really give a hoot. my mom loves me. yay. but she's still going to leave me with a monster. alone. eeks. fun. lets do that again.
Monster. Alone. EEEks!!!
its okay, really, i feel so much more at ease when i'm alone. and the lack of the force at night doesn't daunt me in any way. harhar. so there, lousy forces of attraction. you have failed utterly. dingdongturkeypoopoo.
i got a disgusting mark for yesterday's pop compo test. pop compo, have you even heard of that?
i wonder what kick she gets out of giving lousy grades for ungraded stuff. she's totally warped okay, her definition of li ti would contradict maybe 75% of the content in haozuowen books.
so, some people have super pro linguistic abilities.. that doesn't give her a reason to parade that in front of us just 12 days before o's. and you have no idea how softly she talks. as if she's telling a BIG secret to the microorganisms in front of her nose.
back:"laoshi. wo men hou mian ting bu dao eh."
front:"qian mian ye yi yang."
laoshi:(a wee bit laoder) "hao. zhe yang ke yi ba" yes laoshi. not bad. now at least the dust wayy over there on the floor in front of you can make some sense of what you're saying. comrades, give the woman a round of applause.
so imagine having to sit for 4 gruelling hours inside a room filled with 120 students every morning for intensive chinese tutorials. the word: blah. mock test after mock test after mock test.
so mocky lah pls. all wearing socks staring at their clocks ticktockticktock.
1048-RING. rapture.
but then she'll breathe the hair-raising order. "bu jiao juan ji bu xu zhou" piang. new yanyu.
come come lets go tell einstein.
aiyah. faster lah. must catch the airplane. got net?

you

2005-05-16T20:55:00.000+08:00

i miss the sec3s.

have

2005-05-16T20:06:00.000+08:00

hmm. its pretty uncanny how people fight so hard to scramble over each other's academic abilities behind their back, but appear so innocently uncapable face-to-face with that person.
not that i'm dead crazy over winning all those awards on the pink slip, but the people around me have started to get all evilly competitive against each other. that's why i'm so bothered about seeing this kind of dog eat dog xianxiang in my own class.
what the diggies, you know? i'm sure it wouldn't hurt so much just to help someone in your own class get her pass or a. its just 40 out of say eight million three thousand point five nine one four brains that you're giving something to. you're smarter. you are an expert at permuting chickens and combining them with differentiated ducks.
stop crying. its not funny.
so anyway, we ploughed through one thousand gonghans today. and we're gonna do baozhangbaodaos tomorrow.
this is what i wrote inside my english journal for some functional format thing.
1. the beginning of a suggestion: you good. don't come without a lamb (that sits on his cardiovascular system)
today, i write this piece of letter, the target is to come wantbeg you to build a skybridge outside my school.
2. newspaper report: -copy over the entire title of the article- after reading that article, i felt very deeply, as if there was a fish bone stuck in my throat, and i cannot swallow it nor spit it out. towards this -offender-, i feel that i simply cannot connect with him.
3. the beginning of a descrptive: the sun sleepily rose from beyond the faded horizon.
guess what ms goh did.
she said she wouldn't talk to me until my chi o's are over.
stop laughing. its not a sad matter.

how

2005-05-15T17:14:00.000+08:00

found peace in church.
lost peace as i stepped back across the gates.
hmm. actually i do pray everyday. before eating. out of habit.
so technically i am keeping in contact with God, but in real sense its a whole different picture.
everytime something really sad happens to me, i'd have this deep talk with Him.
`i'm sorry, Father. i let you down again.
i truly wish you didn't have to keep hurling distresses into my life to keep me from going too far astray. i wish could have the innocence i once had, and your assuring voice at the back of my head constantly keeping me from doing stupid things.
i pray for your guidance, that i will learn to be disciplined enough to build and maintain a close relationship with you, and i pray that you will help me to pray with diligence each night, not just before eating, and also keep you in my thoughts in all my judgements.
i try hard to remember to ask myself 'what would Jesus do?' before taking any actions, an attempt to keep me from regretting what i do.*
yadda yadda blahblah. on and on.
and just the next day, renewed with a peaceful heart and a serenity, i'd go back to husiluansiang-ing and start walking in ways that well, he'd definately not be proud to see me walking in.
with each success, i draw away from you, relying instead on my own strengths and abilities that you have lovingly inculcated in me.*
for one thing. i'm supposed to honour my parents. that includes hiM. the dingdongkingkong
for another. i'm not supposed to like, be bendy. ughh give me time, i'm getting over her.
and most importantly, i'm not supposed to dishonour my life. yet i want so much to die. actually i don' t really know anymore. i don't feel a thing towards living, somehow.
the good thing is, no one suspects me of being a suicidal case. (i am NOT) -i think. hope. ok know.
the bad thing is, He knows. dng. the Father is omniscience. and by the minute my guilt is growing. gnawing. eating me out.
because if someone in this time ever did love me, it'd be God. yet i am such a mess and i cause Him so much pain. how could i do this to Him? sigh. i'm cant be that wicked, can i.
no.
okay.
talking to myself again.
they should just bundle me off to the looneybin. shucks, i really wanna wear the thick white entwined-sleeved suit thingy! looks so warm and comfy. and the white padded walls, ohh the pretty padded walls. though the smell of prescriptions for restraining is quite ickywicky. if only imh didn't rely so much on western medication. not that eastern smells any better.
i'm a disgrace to all baptists. so much for thinking a little talk with myself would do me good.
bah.
love, (yah you wish.)
me

again

2005-05-14T13:16:00.000+08:00

i have changed my blog address three times, while keeping to the same skin.
i've always wanted to be a free angel. but sadly i will never be.
i've always wanted to have many friends, but now that i've got that, i realise i was better off alone.
i've always wanted to get to njc, to join syfc, to be with the air force, but recently, i'd rather have contracted an uncurable strain of disease. like malaria mixed with dengue fever and topped with yellow fever.
that wouldn't be too hard. since mrs lee doesn't want to do anything about the mosquito invasion in our school.
i feel so distant nowadays, so distracted. i cant even type the password while logging on to blogger without stopping halfway to identify what i'm typing.
then i have to delete the whole thing and type it again slowly cos i'd have forgotten where i've stopped.
i'm working by clockwork. i'm not living with the moment and cherishing my time.
i got stuck somewhere in the past.
i'm losing hold of my senses.
i'm losing my inner peace.
i'm losing grip of my mental state.
i have lost myself.
i wish i could just go home alone. and talk to myself on the way. meditate in the bus. i wish i was ruth. she could go mute for months at a time, using those stupid shooting stars or 'ghostbodies' as an excuse.
i wish i could share my distress with someone. but from past experiences, everytime i do that, the friendship will just go cold and they'll start to drift away.
i don't know what i'm doing wrong. i'm worried that i'll lose my ghc pigss soon too. i can feel them slipping through my fingers, like fine-grained sand. soon, they'll just disappear. at the rate i'm going, every around me will. and i'll be left alone with all that i've always been wishing for.
then i'll wallow in my sadness once again, and say that i'm lonely and that i long for someone to turn to. and when i finally get that i'll ask to be alone again. so the cycle repeats.
one the way back yesterday, i stared at shaminah (she said she was depressed). i searched within me for something to say, something that would make her happy or just better. and i couldn't. the comforter in me has gone away. maybe there was never a comforter in me. i'll never know.
sometimes i get resentful towards people like her. i wish had all those qualities that radiated such an attractive glow. i wish i was more friendly, more fun to be with. but the harder i try, the less natural it is. even if it works out for a while, the higher i climb the harder the fall.
my dad is such a big bully. he makes fun of my mom's origins. he think she's stupid and not capable of taking off. he scolds her for stupid things like burping. and oh wow i assure you he doesn't burp. he farts twice as often.
ever since last yr, he invaded my territory. he took over my bed. and he takes advantage of his placings by going through all the stuff on my desk. all the letters i write and receive. all the rantings i crumple up and squish behind the hifi. HE IS AN ASS. i am displaced now. i either sleep with my mom, or sleep on the couch.
i was watching the first 10 minutes of chase the other day. then being the usual killjoy he started telling me to study. preparing dinner half an hour early to stop the goingons in the house. so nvm. i ate. i stood up. i didn't put my bones on the paper provided, but dumped it straight to the dustbin instead. he took that as a sign of defiance and said. "what's the paper put here for?" when i didn't reply he said "you just want your stupid movie."
which i didn't. i picked up my chinese stuff and went back to the dining room.
"i don't want that stupid movie. who wants that stupid movie? you want ah. i on for you?"
he was enraged and got violent, as usual. that LOSER. hit me more, daddy. i'm immune to you already.
i won't regret even if i died this moment. i have nothing to live for anyway.

hello

2005-05-14T13:02:00.000+08:00

if you're lonely and need a friend,
and troubles seems like they never end;
just remember to keep the faith,
and love will be there to light the way.
anytime you need a friend, i will be here.
you'll never be alone again..
so don't you fear;
even if you're miles away,
i'll be here for you (: